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Soapwatch: JACI STEPHEN'S ultimate insight into this week's soaps

Why are soapland folk so unambitious in their professional lives?

Take ‘s Tommy Orpington. He’s been playing for Weatherfield County for what feels like 50 years and has only just announced his retirement. 

If he was so great, how come he was never headhunted?

We never heard so much as the crinkle of a £5 note trying to buy him up for a better side. As for his team mates… well, who are they? Can you name one? And why have they never had a pint in the Rovers? Failures, all.

It’s the same with beauty and hair salons.

Corrie’s Audrey, ‘s Bernice, ‘ Denise.

Why didn’t they ponder, even for a second, as they raked in the takings from their two clients a week, that maybe in Manchester, Leeds or central , greater fortunes awaited them?

Corrie’s Carla is probably the most ambitious of all soapland’s thriving entrepreneurs, but she’d last ten seconds on Dragons’ Den before the resounding, collective cry of ‘I’m out!’ went up.

As Shakespeare’s Marc Antony said, ‘Ambition should be made of sterner stuff.’

Linda vents her fury over Zack breaking Nancy’s heart, little knowing that Mick (pictured, with Linda) warned him off in EastEnders

EASTENDERS: NOT SO SWEET TALKING

Well, it was only a matter of time.

Having tried out dressing as the Quality Street Big Purple One and the Green Triangle, Linda has thrown caution to the wind and come as the entire tin. Get your sunglasses on, you’ll be blinded. 

She always endures some kind of trauma when she’s in Quality Street mode, and now is no exception when she vents her fury over Zack breaking Nancy’s heart, little knowing that Mick (pictured, with Linda) warned him off.

Why can’t the adults in Walford just stay out of their kids’ lives?

It’s quite unbelievable that Groundhog Day has come around yet again with Billy being poor. How many more times must we endure this? Please, just have him buy a lottery ticket and win; he’s running out of sad puppy dog expressions.

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Gray may have met his match in Chelsea, who clearly has no interest in the kids coming with the package of the good-looking guy and the house. 

Her hold on him (well, more of a vice-like grip) intensifies when she persuades him to skive off work.

But what does she find in his car that might bring his house of cards tumbling down?

CORONATION STREET: NOT A SPORTING CHANCE

There’s a debate if James (pictured) and Michael have been targeted because of their skin colour in this week’s Coronation Street

The subject of racism is dominating soapland folharegional as it is the news, and when James is arrested, it raises the issue of whether he and Michael have been targeted because of their skin colour.

James is pulled over after he’s spotted test driving a sports car he might buy with £30k he’s been offered for an interview. 

How much? Celebrities up and down the land will be wanting the name of his agent given that his only claim to fame is being Tommy Orpington’s successor.

The one good thing to come out of all this is that Craig gets a rare minute off when another cop makes the arrest.

But it is only a minute, because suddenly there he is again, just in time to see James writhing in agony. Is the promising superstar’s career over?

Let’s just say I don’t think Manchester City are holding their breath.

The moment we’ve all been waiting for finally arrives, with Will holding the incriminating evidence of Todd’s evil machinations. Why didn’t they delay the revelation until the wedding?

Anyway, all is revealed (in more ways than one) at the launch party of the nude calendar. 

At least we’ll be saved the sight of Billy’s smiling teeth for a while – the endless joy exuding from every molar each time Slimy Todd slinks into view has become excruciating to see. 

But having been exposed as the Street’s latest Bad Boy, will Todd redeem himself when he comes to the rescue after finding Summer unconscious?

EMMERDALE: SOCIAL DISTANCING

Marlon comes to April’s (pictured) rescue and deletes her social media accounts because she’s being trolled in Emmerdale

The devastating effects of social media on teenagers is something soaps return to time and again. April is the latest victim of trolling, when someone sets up a Dead Donna account. 

Marlon comes to the rescue after finding her at her mum’s grave and deletes her accounts, saying he’ll keep her phone until it settles down. I give that all of five minutes. 

Taking a mobile from a teenager is like taking… well, the TV remote from me (you really don’t want to see that).

Liv’s still drinking vodka, but where’s she buying it from, and with what?

Kim should do an inventory on that Home Farm cellar.

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